Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
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If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Hitlers gonna hitl
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
let’s discuss
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.