Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
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I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead