Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
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Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”