Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
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Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Salad is the decaf of food.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee