[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
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I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
*pokes sex life with a stick
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.