When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
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Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.