dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
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This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Big Sex has us all fooled
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.