a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
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My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
SCARY COSTUME
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.