From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
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If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
it was love at first sight
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]