I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
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At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.