It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
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[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Found the job I’m suited for
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.