“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
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馃幎 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 馃幎
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I鈥檓 in denial that I should be doing laundry.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Dads, when there鈥檚 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I鈥檓 going to go wait in the car.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that鈥檚 how we keep our marriage fresh
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won鈥檛 unstop. Don鈥檛 look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can鈥檛 馃槀
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
He said: We can鈥檛 go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn鈥檛 clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can鈥檛 go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn鈥檛 clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
If you鈥檙e not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey