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Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Think I pulled my liver
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Every haunted house movie:
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine