Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
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Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.