Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
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I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
@ candidates for local office
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
japanese corn
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.