Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
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ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos