You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
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Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.