“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
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Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Finally a use for spoilers…
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.