Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
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If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
This rocks
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.