Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
You Might Also Like
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
The Sun
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy