I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
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*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Still my favourite meme.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
nyc:
🤣🤣🤣🤣
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal