[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
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[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.