the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
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I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Oh no
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!