[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
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* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Huge, if true.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.