I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
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Sunday
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
They must have gotten it to go.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.