*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
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“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
bought wrong eggs
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
welp
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
The Joker was right
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.