When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
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My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
there has never been a better use of this meme
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.