[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
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DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.