4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
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There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
He-man has a Masters degree
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.