the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
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I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
The fall of Netflix
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.