two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
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The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …