You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
You Might Also Like
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises