I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
You Might Also Like
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Love this one 😂🧟
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out