My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
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[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
lumberjacks will cut a birch
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
The Compass
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.