What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
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ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
mentally somewhere in italy
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe