“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
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Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.