WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
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I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?