I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
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The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
my mom making me talk to relatives
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.