Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
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I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Hey I worked for it too!
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.