Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
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Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.