me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
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new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
How to draw a duck
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.