Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
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Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
@ candidates for local office
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Me as a therapist: omg same
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels