If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
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I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
lol
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.