If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
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The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.