I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
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you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
congratulations to them
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?