“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
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Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D