I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
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interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’