8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
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“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue