me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
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Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.