My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
You Might Also Like
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Everything reminds me of my ex
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
house sitting!
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Ron is short for Aaronald
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
ugh not again
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.